The wind fluttered with a false start, but soon picked up pace. An empty plastic bag bounced down the street, as if a marionette controlled by an invisible string.
The dirty plastic bag was not the only thing that appeared controlled by strings. He looked out that rain stained window and could only think that his body, heart and his common sense were no longer under his control. As he watched the wind manifest its dominance, he noticed the clouds gather and darken. Through the corner of his eyes, he saw bodies hasten their step in an effort to seek shelter before the sky exploded into God's angry tears.
The water from the shower stopped and the silence riveted him back into reality. The first drum roll of thunder was unleashed on passersby.
For 2 months, he knew that something was wrong. She would clam up every time he asked her about her day. She was secretive in a way she had never been.
She's cheating on me!
He hired a private investigator who reported that something indeed was going on, but he didn't know what. The investigator handed him a sheet of paper that read, Hotel Phoenixia, Wednesdays @ 12pm. 639.
Apparently, his wife frequented a cheap, run down hole in the wall, perpetrating as a hotel on Wednesdays.
To meet her lover. That bitch!
So, he decided to put an end to her philandering. He took the train to 14th Street and walked with his umbrella the short distance to Serenity Avenue. That part of town was despicable. Haggard prostitutes on many a street corner. Aimless men spending their day with open containers of beer and hard liquor. He walked into the Hotel Phoenixia and quickly made his way up to the 6th floor.
I know she loves the excitement of danger, but this dump?
On the 6th floor, he witnessed what was nothing other than an omen. A raucous scene of a crying, screaming wife, a pleading, cheating husband, nosy, hotel customers enjoying the show and men in suits to witness the scene. There was even a haphazardly dressed, buxom red head screaming at some of the suits. He prayed that that would not be his portion.
Room 639. He rapped his knuckles on the door 3 times and announced, "Room Service! Compliments of Management."
"I'm coming."
He heard her voice. She always purred like that after a good one.
The door opened and time stood still. She looked at him with widened eyes. Her lips parted and her voice got stuck in her throat.
"Dapo! What? Uh?" she sounded shocked.
He rammed his way into the cheap hotel room. Clothes were strewn everywhere. His wife's underwear flung on a lamp shade. A man's pair of shoes, reminiscent of the Wale Adeyemi loafers that she commissioned specially for his last birthday, lay in a corner. He looked at his wife through dark eyes and felt absolute hatred.
"How could you?"
"Dapo," she looked bewildered and confused.
"You didn't think I would find out about your affair?"
"Affair? Dapo, please, I, I..."
"Is that all you have to say for yourself?" His voice was laced with pure venom.
She looked towards the bathroom and then stared at him. "Dapo?" She asked.
He looked around the room again and saw a half eaten slice of Devil's food cake next to an empty bottle of Veuve Cliquot. She had introduced him to the rich, chocolate delicacy and he had loved it immediately, just as he had loved her from the start.
How could she do this to me!!!!!!!!
She was whimpering and repeatedly mumbling, "What's going on?"
He grabbed the cake knife and rammed it into her stomach. Her eyes widened in shock and terror as she wrapped her hands around the knife.
"Baby..." she croaked.
"I am not your baby!" His voice was thunderous and competed with the roaring outside. He watched her slump to the floor. He felt nothing, just a dark, roaring anger. He stepped over her body and looked out the window, waiting to confront the person in the shower.
All that was barely 5 minutes ago, even though it seemed like years had passed. Then the shower stopped and he heard footsteps approach.
"Hey, sleeping beauty..." a man said.
Dapo turned around, looked down at his dead wife and raised his head slowly to see his own face and hear an evil cackle. It was a sound he had thought he would never hear again.
"Did you just kill your wife?" the man chuckled, "I always knew you would never get rid of your lust for killing family members."
Dapo stared into the face of his twin brother Kehinde.
"Kehinde???" He asked astonished. "What are you doing here? You were sleeping with my wife?" His voice raised to overcome the boom and rumbling from outside.
"Hahahaha. Taiye. Yes, I am..." Kehinde stopped mid sentence and glanced at the body on the floor. "Well, I was sleeping with your wife. I definitely understand why you married her."
Anger began to rumble and soar. "DO NOT CALL ME TAIYE!" He screamed.
"Why not?" Kehinde asked laughingly. "Oh please. You think you can send me to jail, move away with that miserable thing we had for a mother and change who you are?"
"Don't talk about my mother like that!"
"Why not? You and I both know what she did to me. She hated me! She treated me like an animal. She touched me in places and ways no mother should. And when YOU killed dad, she covered up for you and set me up for it. You didn't even protect me. I spent years in jail for a crime that you committed! Do you know what that place does to a person?"
"That was not my fault..."
"Really?" Kehinde cut him off. "You killed dad, that bitch let me take the blame because you were the golden child, the promise of the family, and my going to jail for you is not your fault?"
"Look K, all that doesn't change the fact that you were sleeping with my wife. Look what you caused? I just killed the girl."
"Ehen, so? Oh, that is not your fault either, is it? You are an absolute idiot!"
Dapo looked at his wife's body and turned back to the window.
How do I salvage this situation?
Kehinde was still talking. "Had you simply told your wife you had a twin, this would have not happened. I sat in jail thinking of what I could do to make your life as miserable as mine. And now I have done it."
Kehinde began to put on his clothes. "I have taken the one thing I know you have wanted for a long time, dear brother. Do you know that she was pregnant?"
Dapo's heart stopped. He turned around to look in the face of the person he had hated even since the womb.
"No, no, no....."
Dapo bent beside his wife, realizing that when she cried "Baby" she didn't mean him, she meant their children. For the first time in his life, he began to weep.
Kehinde was still talking. "Oh yes, she saw the doctor today. Don't worry, the twins weren't mine. She was 4 months pregnant and we have only been at this for 2 months. But, still I achieved what I wanted. Your complete destruction."
Kehinde slipped his feet into his loafers and walked over to the mirror to tighten his tie.
"By the time the world finds out that the rising political star, D. Roger Cole, murdered his wife and unborn twins! Oh! It will be rich!!!!! And to imagine, all I did was make her believe that her husband wanted some secret weekly rendezvous with her." Kehinde continued to laugh as he put on his hat and a black trench coat.
Dapo's mind was set. He knew what to do. He lifted himself off his knees slowly and as he stood still, watching his long lost twin, the god of thunder cracked his whip, and the lights in the room went out.
I must make my move, now!
He yanked the silver knife out of his wife's belly and moved with lightening fast speed in the direction of the mirror, where he last saw his brother. A bolt of lightening illuminated the darkened room and the glint of metal could be seen as it dove towards a body. The torrential rain got louder and thunder continued to roar. But within seconds there was nothing but silence.
30 minutes later, a man walked out of Hotel Phoenixia and walked down Serenity Avenue. He got to the intersection with 14th Street and on a lamp post, there was a flyer inviting all to a nearby church. The picture of the Reverend was a turnoff. The man's eyes looked too much like his own. He glanced up the street and saw a bar. He figured that he didn't need church. God was too busy answering Obama's prayers to give a damn about the likes of him. What he really needed was a stiff drink.
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BRAVO BRAVO to d writer!!!You have done a good job!
The story is so far-fetched that it stumbles against its own feet in clumsiness. The woman had been clandestinely meeting her husband's twin brother thinking he was her husband and in two whole months never raised anything regarding these lovey-dovey sessions with her husband at home (not even to express satisfaction/joy at the love making in the hotel or some other minute issue that may arise) because he had admonished her that they were to pretend that it was a secret rendezvous between them. Is it just me or does anyone think that this cockamamie? Jeez.
The story telling is cumbersome a lot of the time, treading heavily with elephantine grace in its descriptive phrases and because of the time and attention the writer has spent attempting to provide a twist (or to give the shock factor), the characters do not appear properly developed.
but non-analytically (if thats a word..lol), i love the story...big shocker uh? luv it, luv it, luv it!
Luv Sydelle...my blogsville fav anyways!
I feel like you sprung the plot on me. I agree with smc the whole thing is over stretched.
However, it would make a blockbuster Naija movie.
See what you are causing me Solomonsydelle :0)
That was a nice one.
The “obama” ending had me in stitches...most importantly it was you.
Also liked the “golden child” bit as it was the pet name for by older brother because he always sold us out to our parents which stopped them prying into his life…see how my life imitates this art…whatever sha...I digress
I loved this story...why?...it is the only one that has really scared me. I blame carlang because his last post about mourinho had me dreaming about seraphs, angels, archangels...basically the heavens in general. I woke up this morning, read this and thought crap! Thunder fire Satan! I jumped out of bed & prayed. Hard!
The story for me is about the devil (aka Kehinde) and man’s disillusion (dapo’s wife). She is married (I presume happily) but still “...she loves the excitement of danger”...not the just excitement o!...she loves the excitement of danger...abeg why?
It is also about how one simple but very attractive lie leads mankind to peril...“all I did was make her believe that her husband wanted some secret weekly rendezvous with her.” That is all it took...one lie. Dapo literally plunged himself into hell when he stabbed her and killed their unborn twins.
Now I believe 14th street is hell.
He actually started the ball rolling as he chose to live in dishonesty himself...the devil knew his weakness & used it...“Had you simply told your wife you had a twin, this would have not happened.”...
When I read “...How do I salvage this situation?”...I thought you get down on your knees right now and pray mister! lol
Whether intended or not the symbolism in this (FOR ME) is strong and for that, solomonsydelle, I shower you with praises.
in all,i luved ur play of words(very simple and straight to point), dis is one story i can easily relate with !!
Thanx MummyTK!!!
LMAO at "God was too busy answering Obama's prayers to give a damn about the likes of him"....Ain't that the truth!!! LOL
I don't really get the criticism that's been left in comments here -of the story stretching the imagination too far. Isn't that what fiction is supposed to do? Poetic licence comes to mind!! Besides, I can def see this happening for real.
Why would a wife talk about a rendevous that's meant to be 'secret'. Why do people find it hard to believe that she wouldn't have talked about it? It's called living 'out' a fantasy, people. Get with it! It's the kind of stuff some married couples do to keep their sex life groovy n'spicy.
The only crticism I have: maybe you could have developed the scene between kehinde and Taiye's wife, before Taiye/Dapo walked in. That might have added something to the drama and the background of how Kehinde managed his deception so well. This may have also 'plumped' up the imagination of those not in favour of a stretch :D
Once again, well done sista. You've done us mums proud. You should be proud too.
The characters are poorly developed.
A fine idea but not well achieved. Too much seems to be happening all at once.... The story rushes at you and doesnt at all in anyway seduce.
I am saying this bearing in mind that it is fine to be critical and well meaning at the same time. That it isnt contradictory to be both.
Nice attempt!
@SMC,shut the fuck up!!y not jus take a hike instead of takin space on cyberworld?have u seen d movie dangerous twins???u obviously are very ignorant,if we thought u a fool before,u didnt have to type all dat out to confirm!!jus incase u do not know,i know a case of triplets dat use to sleep wit the same gals and no one knew until they become born again so shove all the crap u wrote down ur ass!!!
Go and learn from @oyinbo boy cos even if he agrees with u,his delivery showed he is civil
I couldnt comment before cos i didnt understand the other stories but dis one was simple enuf and it made sense!
Duuuuuuuuh,its suppose to be fiction and she's not asking you to make a movie out of the story so puleeeeaze!!!!
@solomondysselle,if u havnt seen dangerous twins by ramsey noah then this is a mighty co-incidence,i jus kept wondering till i read to the end though and u still have me wondering,was kehinde killed??Nice attempt!!
By the way,@smc,submit ur story here lets see wat u can come up with!!!!May God twist ur fingers and allow u write more crap here,i sooooo have your time!!Bring it on!aite?
Am a blogger and would have loved to write wit my blog but i dont want pips like u on my blog!!!!Crap
I agree with your last paragraph about the need for character development. I don’t think the plot is cockamamie because it isn’t unrealistic in my head. Besides real life examples have been given above.
I also agree with you that in some places the descriptions are a bit heavy handed. Then in some places they just seem too sparse so I second naijalines’ recommendation.
I really liked the line about ‘bodies hasten their step in an effort to seek shelter before the sky exploded into God's angry tears’. Others have said it above and I concur that it is very well delivered.
Even the delivery of the popular line “he saw bodies hasten their step in an effort to seek shelter before the sky exploded into God's angry tears”, was tainted for me because in a bid to strive for literary effect, the writer seemed to have forgotten that he/she in the same paragraph had indicated that it was already raining when he/she wrote on line two of the same paragraph that murderer “looked out that RAIN STAINED window” (so does this mean that that God’s angry tears is supposed to be even heavier [torrential] rain? If yes, the bodies hurrying along would be seeking shelter from the already pouring rain and not in anticipation of rain).
This is not a personal attack on the writer. I am just saying what I observed.
before i comment on this story, lemme just say that i dont think i have enough liver to put up a product of my own creativity and deep thinking on a forum such as this, cuz i sincerely doubt that i'm "mature" enough to handle the criticism!
cant we all just enjoy these stories for what they are... STORIES? please guys, it can be disheartening when pple use harsh words to bash sth someone worked at!
when criticising, try using words like, "in my opinion...", "it would have been better if..." etc, to soften the effect. U dont need to be a sycophant, just be careful with people's feelings, that's all.
we got the nigerian twist people have been demanding, a reference to the sleazy 14th and Serenity,hotel phoenixia, the bar, even a reference to the "hotel scene" in Carlang's story,
"a buxom red head screaming at some of the suits..."
so i wasnt entirely thrown off the track.
i enjoyed this story esp the originality of some lines e.g. the Obama line.
good job SSD!
YOU are Highly talented
What a good read!
That was intense!
The plot was VERY dramatic but that made it even more fun..lol..
L-O-V-E-D it!!
Hopefully the next person will write something slightly happy :)
loved that line to bits.
Damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lord... u rily went for the target ...dis is absolutely breathtakin.. awesome.. wonderful.. i dont even know were to begin
I have waited expectantly 4 dis.. and i do not regret it one single bit.
It rily moved me.. i cant even begin to explain.
Just.. wow.
And also, the ad for 14th and serenity mentionned: 12 REVELATIONS... How can one do Happy revelations?
Anyways, I like the twisted storyline and the references were all on point. Most importantly, the imagery was breathtaking.
Can't wait for the next installment!
the only thing for me though, is how to believe that somebody has been sleeping with another person she has confused for her husband for two months, and not realize it.
was it supposed to be a secret even between the two of them? or they dont live in the same house.
that part I believe was the difficult part to sell and maybe needed some heavy developing. Aside that, you're game. I also loved ur style of writing.
@SMC I'm sure people would value your opinion more if you used an alternative approach. You are at every post so far with more criticism than anything else. And few of them seem constructive. Surely if you're not that impressed you would stop coming back? My auntie can speak for herself but your yawn was far from constructive. The people here seem to be here for the entertainment value. We all know writing a book takes a long time with a lot of editing. As you can see that's not what they're doing so perhaps you should ease up on the commentary. They are not writing Harry Potter or anything big like that.
For the 14th crew - I'll be back. I'm hooked :D xoxo
Also some find the part about a woman sleeping with her hubby's twin and didn't know crazy; well there's a movie that came out either this year or last and it was along the premise that everyone in the world has a double. Anyway the woman and her husband were trying to spice up their marriage and would meet at hotels to have sex. It so happens that one day she meets her "hubby" for sex at a hotel not knowing its just a stranger that looks exactly and sounds exactly like her husband.
I forget the name of the movie, but the point is a Hollywood movie has been made regarding similar subject its not that far fetched. When i think of the title of that movie I'll be back.
Did u know I held ma breath all through?
Impressive work here ma'am...
try to ensure we dont sleep of reading it so we can comment.
watever,evryone can move on......
@ Beyonce A.K.A. Kech, with your 'aite' slangs we all can see you are the same person. Please stop defacing this thread. Get a grip of yourself. From now on, please try to comment on the story and not the people.
and will add:her husband is unaware of her pregnancy? that's a dead giveaway.
has anyone seen a raw manuscript of any of the best sellers?
u wud be shocked o
that's why i believe some editors shud be listed as co-authors. lol
And for those who are wondering at the unrealistic nature of the fact that the secret meetings never cams up in discussion, consider this, Do you really think NEO in matrix can dodge bullets or can jet li really walk on a flying sword, or ....do i need to go on?
Free the girl joo, maybe they agreed not to talk about it and make it a totally secret affair.
HHmmm, I cannot help but wonder...I read SSD's post on the wolf.
SMC, ARE YOU THE WOLF?
Anyway, I enjoyed the story. It could do with a bit more development for the characters, but I am glad that you introduced new characters. I was itching for someone other than Clara or Toy (did he really die?)
Nice one to all the writers who took the time to share their work particularly knowing that there are those who will enjoy merely criticizing.
Is there anything that you cannot do?
Actually yes there is. Write more fiction.
@ Mysterious, I am not sure I understand what you mean by me being a wolf, but if my critcicisms makes me a wolf, then so be it.
Anyway, there is a fabulous instalment that has been posted today by Naapali (and no, I do not know the man from Adam)
y dont u guys just read and enjoy the stories....with the flaws there in....these wonderful pple have taken precious time to write so just appreciate them please....
Great job guys...
http://weirdbabe.blogspot.com/
me likey too mush oh!!
and to all these critics them..i cannot help but notice that none of them have links to blogs..which means i can safely assume they do not have blogs..and yet they feel they have the right to tear apart the work of another person..all these haters sef..una never hear "dont hate, appreciate" ??? appreciate mehn...Naapali, for example is a doctor..and not many bloggers are professional writers..and still the work is fahbulous!!
has irt ever occured to you that some of the critics own blogs but will rather carry out their critique anonymously in order to avoid the foul mouthed 'beyonce' and the like. no one is tearing anyone apart. you put your work out there, be prepared to be judged by your peers. we can't all just keep praising blindly especially where there's need for criticism. and is there a rule that doctors can't write? don't understand you. forget sentiments and open your eyes.
What?! You did not know that Solomonsydelle is running for President of Nigeria? Where have you been? Abeokuta? (Under-a-rock)?
Did you think that Obama quip got there by chance? Very astute political move. I told you that girl's got it in her.
Pammy clapping wildly in her bedroom.
Remember that haterz are gonna hate!!!
You did GREAT!!!!
That is not to say some of you have exceptionally beautiful writing styles (in the stories and in your individual blogs) but i think in your desire to show your literary prowess most of you have over done it.
And this story is a prime example. The way this blogger writes on her own blog is endearing and sometimes even captivating. But this, was over the top...and sadly did not tie in to previous entries as well as it should have.
And one thing i dont understand is the almost sycophantic style of most of the comments! what is the point of a million exclamation marks? It wouldnt hurt to just be honest about how you feel and straight to the point.
I am a blogger myself and most of you have been to my page actually and now i feel as if some of the comments you left were a product of your automatic need to praise other bloggers so they may return the favour.
Having said all this. Well done to all the writers.It must be hard reconciling such different writing styles to your own
Though I was lost in btw.But d suspence was superb.
This is my first time on the 14 & Serenity episode..But I'm goin 2 dig for more.
You're literary mind is so tight..Colour me impressed.
The criticism about "ridiculous" story line, just suspend disbelief. I read a Denise Robins novel last week with similar hard-to-believe missed cues; almost exactly like this one you're complaining about. Haha, actually it was a guy and his criminal brother too. Bestselling author, Denise Robins, and the book was still fun to read, like this story was still fast-paced and readable.
Sweettooth